Category Archives: Decisions

The Accidental Sabbath: Plans for 2017

accidental-sabbath

The last third of the year can become unenjoyably busy for our family very easily, with ten family birthdays and our anniversary sprinkled in among the bustle of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  So in 2016 Greg and I resolved to designate one day from each weekend in October, November and December as an “at home only” day: no outings, no plans, no chores and no to-do list.  We called it a family Sabbath, although we first instituted this for practical reasons and our own comfort rather than as an effort to obey the religious guidelines of Sabbath keeping.

When we first decided to implement this in October, I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that we would benefit so much from the rest this boundary around our schedule would afford us.  There was one problem though. The only date that worked well for Rowan and June’s joint birthday party fell on the same weekend that the huge Lego tour would be in town. The Lego event that Rowan has been asking to return to since he saw it the last time it came to town two years ago.  The one I had been excited to take the kids to for months.

We looked at three different scenarios: attending an abbreviated weeknight Lego session, packing the Lego fest in on the same day as our at-home birthday party, or breaking our Sabbath guidelines and attending the beloved Lego event on the second day of that weekend.  We decided to break our new rule and go to the event on the second day of the weekend. After all, we made the rule so that we could enjoy the holiday season more fully, and we knew we would all enjoy the Lego fun. This never sat right with me though.  In seasons past when our busy-ness sapped our strength and joy, our schedule was (over) filled with fun, enjoyable things- no drudgery; yet the pace still wore on us. So I sensed that breaking our Sabbath boundary to avoid missing out on something fun and enjoyable was not going to work at all.  I knew that every single weekend during this festival-and-party season, the prospect of something fun, memorable, important or educational would beckon to us, asking to be dropped into that emptied Sabbath calendar square.  Still, I persisted.  I told myself, “We’ll go to the Lego fest this one time, then that’s it- we’ll protect a Sabbath day each week through the end of the year.”

Two days before the big weekend, I went online to secure tickets.  I had delayed, at first, because we were throwing around our scheduling options, and next due to reluctance mixed with a delusional belief that the less popular time slots wouldn’t sell out.  In reality, all of the time slots for this hugely popular, once-every-two-years event sold out long before I got around to checking on tickets.  So we didn’t go.  After the excitement of their birthday party, the kids never even asked about the Lego event that weekend.  They still haven’t- it just hasn’t come to mind. While I’m sure the event would have been a blast, I was surprised that there really was no sting in missing it.  And we had a very restorative day at home instead.

That first experience illustrated to us the immense value of rest, and it revealed that the one obstacle that most often robs us of rest- the fear of missing out- is actually not a very formidable foe; it turns out that the thing we feared- the phantom prospect of missing out on something- never materialized at all.  True, we did not attend the Lego event.  But during our peaceful unplanned day spent at home, we did not miss it either.

This is how we started to implement the principles of Sabbath as a family.  We continued this practice of keeping one weekend day clear for the rest of the year.  We have enjoyed it so much that we are going to continue it indefinitely.

A quick look back:

Unbeknownst to me, this Sabbath idea was percolating at the beginning of 2016.  Last year began with a post about The Big Rocks: Self-Care for Care Givers, which describes prioritizing items in your schedule which are of the most value to you, then fitting in less important or unimportant tasks around those big rocks. It seems as though the rest of last year was a slow, progressive implementation of that post as our family pared down our schedules and our possessions.  That was providential because 2016 was indescribably stressful for me, with so many people, opinions and mistakes thrown into our well-established routine via the Medicaid hoops, nursing SNAFUs, invasion of our introvert sanctuary, the start and shuffling of twice-a-week therapies, the transition from ECI to the school system and ongoing nursing and Medicaid difficulties. This “Big Rocks” process of purposefully stewarding our time and energy protected my sanity last year.  At the same time, I was completing an intensive spiritual discipleship program through our church which introduced me to the works of CS Lewis and other gifted Christian and Jewish theologians.  As I studied, the themes of prioritizing my time and resources and seeking rest stood out to me, given my stress.  Naturally this led to the study of the Sabbath, with is prominent in the Jewish theology I ventured into, and which is the subject of the Bible study I ultimately finished the year on (Priscilla Shirer’s Breathe).

A look ahead:

As I mentioned in the last post, however, this attention to rest and Sabbath results in less blogging.  Or no blogging.  So, while I have many topics and resources I would love to share, posts in 2017 may be sporatic.  If you ever wish to check-in with us or ask a question, feel free to use the Contact button on the blog.   We don’t expect any big medical changes for June this year, since she recently got her g-button out (WOOHOO), and her doctors want her trachea to grow for another year before re-evaluating options for another attempt at removing the trach.  However, Greg is hoping to transition into a new professional field this year, so we are waiting to see what new adventure his school and career opportunities will bring to us as a family, in terms of our routine and location.

We are quite excited about the year ahead.

 

An Election Conversation With My Kids

election-conversation

One week ago, the kids and I ventured out to the polls for early voting.  The “big kids” (my 5-year-old, Rowan and my 3-year-old, June) had decided who they would vote for, hypothetically, by watching snippets of the debates.  This was our pre-voting conversation- June contributing in ASL.

Me: OK, guys, let’s go vote!
June: I’m scared of boats.
Me: Not boat. Vote.  V-O-T-E. [I showed her the ASL sign VOTE  see here.]
June: Vote, not boat, V-O-T-E. What’s vote?
Me: It’s where I pick who I want to be in our government.
June: Who you vote for?
Me: I’m voting for Hillary Clinton.
Rowan: I’m voting for the same person, the girl in the red shirt [in the first debate].
June: I vote for the moon and stars.
Me: That sounds good, June.  The election is very important because the people who we elect make decisions about our whole country.
Rowan: Maybe our president will help Ms. Clinton.
Me: Probably, because our president and Ms. Clinton are in the same political party.
June: OOh! I go vote. See the party.
Me: It’s a different kind of party. Ok, let’s go vote!
June: I vote. Not boat. With talker in my backpack. [Her new AAC device to communicate with people verbally.]

The kids and I excitedly made our way to the early voting location, which was conveniently located at a church that we frequent for Deaf ministry events.
Me: Ok now, we gotta be quiet while we choose.
Rowan: Why?
Me: So other people can make their choices too. What’s happening here is very important.
Rowan: Why?
Me: Well, whoever wins will be president until you are nine years old. And we want to pick the people who will make the choices that we want them to.
June: I pick the stars and moon and water.

While explaining our voting experience to Greg, later–
Rowan: We picked Ms. Clinton!  She’s our president now.
Me: No, actually, we don’t know who won yet. Everyone in the country gets to vote, then only one person wins.
Rowan: Why is that?
Me: Because our country only has one president, and everyone gets to vote for which person they want to win.  On election day we’ll keep track of it on a big map and find out who the next president is.

Tomorrow is the big day!

Follow along with us tomorrow using the electoral college map printable or digital version and other free election resources from:

Scholastic News 

C-SPAN Classroom

Smithsonian Education

 

Special Needs Family Outings: What Didn’t Work (for us) Part 2 of 2

Today we conclude the special needs family outings series with the second part of the discussion on what did not work so well for us (see part 1 here).  Here we’ll share difficulties we encountered during two of the most challenging travel situations we have faced: flying and handling a medical emergency away from home.

Special needs family outings What Didnt work

 

Flying With a Medically Complex Kiddo

June thought having her own airplane seat was pretty cool when big brother wanted to take a turn as mama's lap baby

June thought having her own airplane seat was pretty cool when big brother wanted to take a turn as mama’s lap baby

Two winters ago, our family made the unusual decision to fly across the country with the kids in the middle of RSV season.  My grandfather had passed away after a long illness, and it was important to our family to join the many people who were gathering to celebrate his life and honor his memory.  In order to do this, we faced many challenges including flying with very young children, having access to June’s medical equipment during the flight, and combating the risk of contracting a cold, flu or RSV in the cramped germ incubator that is an airplane.  One idea we had was to snag the first seat in our section, reducing the number of people we are close to.  That did not work, since we then had no underseat storage ahead of us, and we had lots of equipment to stow in arm’s reach.  Another bright idea we had was to be the last people to board the plane, so we reduce the amount of time we are sitting in stagnant air before the plane’s air circulation/cleaner system is operating (the internet said this was a good idea).  That backfired as well, as the plane was full to capacity and passengers were already having to check their carry-ons because the overhead storage was full.  Along came us, with 6 carry-ons which were all essential.  We stood awkwardly at the head of the plane isle while other people’s luggage was shuffled and checked to make room for ours.  And also so that we could switch seats with some very kind passengers in our section since our spots at the front wouldn’t work for us.  When we were seated, we discovered that the essential items we needed to have on-hand (oxygen concentrator, suction machine, and emergency bag) did not all fit under the seat in front of us, so one item had to be stowed above during the critical take-off and landing times, when we aren’t allowed to stand up. I waited very nervously for those few minutes wondering what would happen to me if June did have an emergency and I had to stand and take out our equipment during that critical take-off time.  Thankfully we had no emergencies on either flight. Lastly, on the flight back, which I made alone with the two kids, Rowan had a loud, one-hour melt-down during which we collected some stares, some sympathetic grimaces, and even some gold fish crackers that a compassionate mom brought to us from another section of the plane.  These things were all stressful, but not insurmountable.  Despite the logistic adjustments during boarding and the tantrum, the kids were fascinated by the flight and we had a really wonderful vacation. While Greg and I enjoyed seeing everyone and having dozens of extra hands helping with the kids, the kids learned about their great-grandfather’s amazing life, met many relatives, played in snow for the first time, and witness vehicles driving on lakes.

Vehicles on frozen lake in MN

 

Local Medical Care Is Inadequate (and everything else went wrong)

June, two days after an unproductive trip to the local ER, recovering splendidly and having fun on our road trip this summer.

June, two days after an unproductive trip to the local ER, recovering splendidly and having fun on our road trip this summer.

When travelling out of our own metro area, Greg and I always look up the nearest children’s hospitals in the event that June needs emergency care since most adult or non-specialty hospitals don’t have the experience and equipment to help her.  During our recent road trip, we were encouraged that we would be close-ish to *the* best children’s hospital for trach patients in the country (Cinncinatti Children’s). But when June developed a bad stomach bug, we were 5.5 hours away from Cinncinatti.  June was getting dehydrated vomiting every 30 minutes, so we decided to seek an IV at the local hospital while we evaluated whether we should make that 5.5 hour hike.  My sister graciously took Rowan for the day while Greg, Miles, June and I went to the hospital ER in the mid-sized city close to the relatives we were visiting.  As always, I warned the nurses that it is always very difficult to get an IV in June, and even moreso when she’s dehydrated.  So, I pointed out the only two sites that are successful for IVs 90% of the time, requested ultrasound assistance in locating the vein, and asked that they not draw blood from an established IV.  Some of the nurses were condescending and short with me, stating that they will use their judgment as professionals, and they proceeded to use sites other than those I showed (which failed), tried repeatedly without the ultrasound (which failed), got an IV with the ultrasound and then drew back for blood on it (which caused it to fail), and ultimately did not succeed in establishing an IV at all. The doctor prescribed June an anti-nausea medication which I refused because I knew from previous illnesses there is a life-threatening interaction between it and her heart medication.  The doctor also ordered a chest X-ray but discharged us before reading it. In short, the ER trip was a torturous waste of our time.  Thankfully, June’s vomiting subsided on its own without complications. But that was just the beginning of our misadventures.

In the hospital Greg and I ran down our cell phone batteries entertaining June and keeping family members updated. Miles and I left the hospital with plans to charge my phone in the car, pick up Rowan from across town then return to pick Greg and June up. But I discovered that my charger was not in the car; it was with the jumble of cords we had unpacked back at our lodging.  As I pulled away from the hospital, my phone died completely.  I didn’t have the address or phone of where Rowan was staying.  I didn’t have a map or GPS.  I couldn’t contact Greg. And after one or two turns on one-way streets, I didn’t even know where the hospital was anymore.  So. I drove in “boxes,” always turning right onto one-way streets to stay in the vicinity until I could find something I recognized.  Finally I recognized a street name, then a landmark, and then, by divine providence…Greg and June, who had exited the hospital and were headed for my former street-parking spot.  And Greg’s phone had 22% battery life.  So we rationed the battery to find our way to pick up Rowan and then to navigate to the place we were staying, 22 miles way.  We watched the battery life dwindle as we traveled the dark rural roads.  Near the end of the journey found ourselves on an unlit dirt road lined with 6-foot-high corn on both sides, and our headlights illuminated a fork in the road that wasn’t on the map. And then the phone died completely.  If the horror movies are to be believed, we just knew we were all about to be devoured by zombies.  I must add that despite the drama of it all and the danger involved (we were lost, without communication, in a deserted area with a sick, medically complex child), Greg and I laughed at the sheer absurdity of the situation, and the fact that we tend to have more than our fair share of wild surprises like this.  Ultimately, we saw a light off to the right, so we decided to try that fork. This is another glimmer of divine providence, because the light turned out to be that of the relatives house where we were staying.

June got over the stomach bug fine with Gatorade and some phone consults with our doctors, and we went on to have a ton of fun on the trip.  The boys actually developed the stomach bug as well just in time for our drive home.  But we took advantage of the leisurely pace we had planned for the drive back, and since the kids mostly preferred to rest or play quietly while they were recovering, the drive home was actually pretty relaxing.  We even enjoyed a stop at Dinosaur World without any gastric emergencies.

Dinosaur World in Kentucky is awesome.

Dinosaur World in Kentucky is awesome.

I hope that these stories of our shenanigans may offer some knowledge, wisdom and humor to other special needs families.  I hope they don’t dissuade any special needs families from travelling if they’re considering doing so.  Because despite these bumps, these trips have all been worth it.  The memories we made far outweigh the various difficulties we encountered.  These things have been good learning opportunities, too, and have helped us to prepare better next time.  Which means that every time we venture out, we are increasing our ability, wisdom and mobility as a family.  And collecting some good and unusual stories along the way.

Special Needs Family Outings- What Didn’t Work (for us), Part 1 of 2

We conclude our special needs family outings series with a discussion of what did not work so well for us when traveling.  I’ve divided the post into two parts, the first being an assortment of issues/examples and the second will cover difficulties we had while flying and handling a medical emergency away from home.

We try mightily with careful planning and creative ‘rigging’ to minimize our risk, overcome obstacles to travelling and increase our mobility.  We’ve been fortunate to enjoy several memorable trips in the last few years which were overall very successful.  But they weren’t without bumps big and small along the way.

Special needs family outings What Didnt work

Forgetting Things
We tuck away duplicates of everything possible in case we ever forget something, but there are some essential items that have no such back-up.  Most notably, the portable suction machine which we keep in a bag along with everything needed for an emergency.  Having this “emergency bag” with June at all times is a matter of life or death. As such, I have forgotten to put it in the car about three times ever, and in each case I noticed its absence within 2 minutes and turned around to retrieve it without incident.  Actually for the first two years of June’s life I *never* forgot it because we suctioned her at least once an hour.  But as she grew, and especially after her LTR surgery last summer, June can clear mucus from her trach tube very effectively and does not need to be machine suctioned very often; sometimes only once in 24 hours.  So the first time I forgot it, it was because I capitalized on the momentum of the particularly rambunctious kids who were already in the garage for an impromptu drive around the block.  The break in routine, leaving from the garage rather than the house, contributed to forgetting to grab the bag. On the other two occasions, I had another person with me and we each assumed the other had grabbed the bag.  Now we verbally confirm that assumption before leaving.  In a less dramatic event, when June had first switched from total oral feeding to total tube feeding after her surgery last summer, we once forgot her feeding pump and prescription formula at home when we went on a day trip.  I had the back-up g-tube extension, but we had no way to acquire the rare formula she needed.  So we gave her water and Pedialyte manually that day and cut the trip short by just a little.

Lack of Handicap Access

Our current set-up, the Graco Ready2Grow loaded with emergency bag, oxygen tank (when needed), diaper bag and a couple a' kids

Our current set-up, the Graco Ready2Grow loaded with emergency bag, oxygen tank (when needed), diaper bag and a couple a’ kids

We’ve struggled at times with lack of ramps or space for the stroller that carries June’s medical equipment. A local museum has a strict no-stroller policy at one of their wildlife exhibits, but we explained that (at the time, before June could walk, and I couldn’t carry both her, the suction bag and the emergency bag) the stroller is medically necessary to carry the heavy equipment in the same way that a wheelchair is necessary for some guests, and I asked if the exhibit is handicap accessible in that regard.  That helped to clarify our need and we gained entry, but still while we toured the exhibit, other well-meaning staff approached us to explain that our stroller was contraband.

In another instance when we all went to support Greg at a mud/adventure race, we were assured access to handicap parking at the event itself, but the day of, due to muddy conditions, all vehicles were required to park in a field 18 MILES AWAY and return via shuttle busses.  So, we parked in the field, loaded the emergency bag AND oxygen tank into the double stroller since we would not have access to our car, pushed the stroller across uneven rocky ground and loaded it into the back of a yellow school bus that served as a shuttle.  Then at the event they weren’t kidding about the mud.  The heavy laden, low-riding (non-jogging) double stroller sunk into the stuff.  At times, my feet had no traction to even attempt to push it, and when I did push, the front end was just accumulating a wall of mud in front of it as it burrowed further into its own little mud quarry.  Several times, friendly race finishers, caked with mud and full of endorphines and adrenaline, happily picked up the entire stroller as I traversed the roughest patches of the spectator areas. To top it off, Greg had no cell phone on the muddy, wet race course and couldn’t communicate to me that his team was taking four hours longer than expected to finish.  By the end of it, we were all thoroughly baked in the sun, I had wearily checked with all the medical tents and authorities for news of Greg’s whereabouts, and it was only by a small miracle that we eventually did spot each other in the sea of 10,000 muddy people.

The mud. I would have enjoyed the mud fun a lot more if it wasn't taking place on farm land that was littered with cow patties....

The mud. All that mud.

Environmental Hazards: Smoke, Heat and Weather

The most common environmental hazards we deal with are proximity to smoke and lack of air conditioning.  Usually we can counter these by leaving the smoky area or hopping into the car for some AC, but that’s not always possible (such as when your car is parked 18 miles away. Ahem.). When visiting relatives once, we made plans to stay at a home that I had completely forgotten was infused with 50 years of cigarette smoke AND had no air conditioning.  We had to change accommodation as tactfully as possible.  In another instance, Greg and I used the Hotwire website to secure discounted lodging only to find that the hotel it booked for us only had smoking rooms available (even given the medical basis for our need).  They explained that they could not offer a refund since we dealt with Hotwire, and likewise, Hotwire has a rather iron-clad no-refund policy with ample warning-jargon in the usage agreement that room preferences and amenities may not be available. (This warning never bothered me because we aren’t picky about amenities, but the possibility of being left with only smoking rooms never occurred to me.)  We accepted the fact that we’d probably would not get a refund, and looked around for other lodging that night anyway, without success.  Ultimately we returned to the Hotwire find and reluctantly settled into the smoky room for a few hours of sleep.

In terms of weather, we always have to be mindful of potential power outages that would limit our use of June’s medical equipment as well as any conditions (road closures, disasters) that would affect our access to medical care if needed.  Thankfully we haven’t had any problems, but we have altered our course when bad weather arose- including a few minutes after we took this photo while stretching our legs at a park on the Mississippi River.  A severe storm was blowing in quickly from just across the river, and a minute after we snapped that photo, everyone in the area was scattering, running for cars and shelter as the surprising 60 mph winds arrived just ahead of the rain.  Somewhere at that park is a favorite sparkly shoe of June’s that we lost when we picked her up to run to the car. (Thankfully, our fashionista has plenty more.)

ms-river

Check back later this week for part two!

 

Special Needs Family Outings: Decision Making

Special needs family outings Decision Making

Today we continue the series on special needs family outings, including vacations, day trips, or even simple play dates.  Special needs families have extra considerations when planning an outing, and people outside of the family are often unaware of what those extra considerations are, or even of the fact that they exist.  Without this information, outsiders can misunderstand the family’s decision making.  Unfortunately being misunderstood or misjudged for such decisions is a frequently lamented occurrence in the special needs community.  It is a significant factor in the reduction or loss of relationships that new special needs families often experience.

Since every family’s needs are different, I cannot compile an exhaustive list- or even a most-common list- of extra considerations that a special needs family may have.  Instead, I’d like to offer two examples of decision making which illustrate how misunderstandings can occur.  I hope this may be a helpful conversation starter between special needs families and those close them.

The two scenarios below are entirely fictional, but I will suppose the family involved is my own- that is, the Safari household with three children under 5, one of whom has a trach and a g-tube- since I know what all of our “extra considerations” are.

Scenario 1:

The Safari family is invited to the mall for a playdate on a weekday morning in March by a friend who has 2 preschool-aged children.  The Safari family accepts.

Scenario 1 decision making:

Deciding on whether to go on an outing is about benefit and risk assessment. It’s not black and white- it’s a judgement call in which the family does their best to judge the risk and decide whether to incur it.  Some of the many factors which may be involved in a decision include:

Season– This includes considerations like weather and seasonal bugs. March usually falls right after the end of RSV season in our area, although the season is sometimes extended.  During RSV season, especially when June was younger, we avoid unnecessary exposure to the public and especially avoid exposure to young children.  (Read more in our Intro to RSV, here.)  In this scenario let’s assume RSV season has ended for our area (meaning the number of RSV cases reported weekly in our region of the state has dipped below the agreed upon threshold) and there is no inclement weather, so the ‘season’ consideration leans in favor of the outing in this scenario.

Timing- This refers to how the time of day (morning), week (weekday) and year (non-holiday) affect the outing. For any family, it is easier to keep track of children and manage behavior in quieter, less busy areas than it is to do so in louder, crowded areas.  So, while the mall isn’t the quietest, calmest place possible, going on a weekday when kids are in school and many adults are at work is pretty workable.  The ‘timing’ consideration gets a check in favor.

Environment- Assessing the environment for risk involves a myriad of things including the flow of vehicle and foot traffic, handicap parking availability, stroller accessibility, ease of accessing our vehicle in an emergency, level of childproofing (fragile, sharp, heavy, hot things in reach), physical limits of the area (enclosed play place vs wide open), visibility of the kids in the area, sanitation practices, ability to comfortably use the loud suction machine, environmental hazards to June like smoke, dust, glitter, incense, perfume, strong smells, and splashing/standing/spraying water, AND the amount of effort it require of us to deal with the hazards present.  In this scenario let’s assume the parking at the mall is adequate, though I would be moderately far from the car in an emergency, the play place is enclosed but with good inside visibility (no tunnels, houses, walls), adequate sanitation schedule/supplies, a stroller can enter, there are no water features and it is non-smoking- all of which amounts to only mild risk.

General exposure to germs- This involves some guess work, but we think about what level of germ exposure we expect for the location itself, which is influenced by the population (mostly adults or lots of kids), the turnover rate (an all-day event with one group versus being in a play place with kids coming and going continually), amount of contact the kids and others have with surfaces (sitting at a table versus climbing around a play place), the sanitation practices in place if any (a mall play place versus an outdoor park playground), and the health of the population present (an outdoor park versus a play area at a doctor’s office).  In this scenario, the exposure to germs gets a high risk rating, although the reduced traffic on a weekday helps some.

Close exposure to germs- This involves thinking about the people our kids will definitely have direct contact with on the outing, in this case, our friend and her two preschool-aged children.  Our friends are aware of the risk to June, so they always tell us if their family has been exposed to illness recently so we can assess whether to reschedule.  In this scenario let’s assume the mom says one of her kids had a runny nose the week before but no fever, and seems fine now; that would be mild to moderate risk because if the child was sick, germs might stick around for a while. But being around children who have mostly recovered from mild respiratory illness is a risk we typically take when it’s NOT RSV season for three reasons: first, because June would be exposed to these germs in the public anyway, secondly, so she can build up immunity to compensate for being sheltered from germs during the winter and thirdly because her pulmonary health is strong, and having a common respiratory infection is not likely to be devastating.

So, Scenario 1 involves favorable season and timing, pretty good environmental set-up, a moderate close exposure risk and a high general risk of germ exposure which we will deal with by extra sanitizing during and after the event.  We decide to go for it.

Scenario 2: 

The Safari family is invited to the mall for a playdate on a weekday morning in March by a friend who has 2 preschool-aged children.  The Safari family declines.

Decision making:

Comparing the basic facts, this looks like the same scenario.  But when looked at through the lens of benefit and risk assessment, they are very different.

Season- Let’s assume the season and weather in the two scenarios are the same, so this consideration is a positive for this outing.

Timing- Although it is on a weekday, this outing falls on Spring Break, during which time children, teens and adults alike descend upon the mall in a celebratory mindset, making it very noisy and busy.  This area of consideration is a net negative for this outing.

Environment- This is a different mall than in the first scenario, and let’s say here, the only handicap parking is outside of a wing that has active construction going on.  The hanging plastic sheets don’t quite contain the sheet rock dust and who-knows-what-else (this is an asbestos abatement project, you say?), so we would have to park elsewhere to avoid it in the back of a chaotic lot full of vehicles that were similarly displaced.  The barriers for construction have narrowed some walkways in unexpected areas, making it difficult to push the stroller carrying June’s medical gear.  The play place has a tree house for climbing, and children cannot be seen when they are inside of it; this is problematic for June because I need to assess her visually at least every 60 seconds to be sure that her breathing isn’t obstructed. Also there is no wall around the play area, meaning while a mom is dislodging one child from a plastic tree branch, another one may be running to a far off Ninja Turtles display inside Macys’.  This area goes in the negative column.

General exposure to germs- Exposure to germs is higher for several reasons including additional children present from spring break, the enclosed nature of the tree house, and poor sanitation practices since I’ve never seen a mall employee climb the tree to wipe down the inside and there are no hand sanitizer or sanitizing wipes posted for the public.  Eek, negative column.

Close exposure to germs- Let’s assume the mom and children we are meeting are healthy, yay!  That’s a positive.

Scenario 2, while it appears identical to Scenario 1 at first, involves positive things in regard to season and close contact with germs, but significant negatives in terms of timing, environment and general exposure to germs. Ultimately we decide not to incur the risk. 

It’s easy to see how misunderstandings can arise when these two scenarios look identical at first glace, but the family accepts one invitation and declines another.   It’s most important to note that the decision to decline was based on a judgment of the situation as a whole, rather than on any absolutes.  Most misunderstandings arise when others seek to infer black-and-white rules, like the Safari family can go to the mall,” “can’t go to the mall,”  “can’t go to Northline Mall,” “can’t go anywhere that’s under construction,” or “can’t leave the house during Spring Break.” Given the right circumstances, our family could do any of those things.

In an upcoming post, I’ll take a closer look at common misunderstandings like this that occur in this area, the their results.  The key to avoiding all of them, though, is communication and grace.  I hope this small peek into the special needs decision making process raises awareness and sparks discussion among those making, and those impacted by, these decisions.

Special Needs Family Outings: Boldly go. Or not.

Special needs family outings Boldly go or not

For many people, summer is a time to escape the house to see friends, explore nature, visit local attractions and travel near and far.  Planning these outings is a worthwhile but complex undertaking for any family.  But having a child with special needs adds several more considerations to the decision making process.  Our family has been fortunate to enjoy several amazing trips this summer including day trips within the state as well as a cross-country road trip.  But in years past, we have also declined many invites and opportunities because we felt it was the best choice for our family at that time.

I want to share a little of our experiences both of declining and embarking on adventures because I know the enormous pressure special needs families face when making these decisions.  It can seem that there is no “right answer” when the family (and outsiders) wonder if “going” is reckless, “staying” may be overly cautious, and “going with abbreviated plans” leaves many people disappointed. Those outside of the special needs world usually don’t understand what goes into the special needs family’s decision making process, which can lead to misunderstandings or hurt feelings from those impacted by the family’s choice to stay or go.  And even from within the special needs community, pressure can mount when special needs families begin to compare or judge each other’s choices about venturing out of the house, state, or country.

I have three objectives for this blog series:

  1. To say to special needs families: Boldly go. Or boldly stay. Both options require courage, and you alone are equipped and empowered to make the choice.  The decision is so unique to your family and circumstance that it really can’t be compared to other’s choices or even evaluated from the outside.
  2. To share some of what goes into the travel decisions, for special needs families who may want to share this information with others to help ease those misunderstandings
  3. To share some of our own experiences of traveling and of staying- what worked and what didn’t, the comical moments and the hand wringing ones, and how our decision making is changing over time as we gain experience and as our children get older.

Also, those families who are preparing to “go” sometime soon might be interested in our previous posts on the topic of Travelling with the Medically Complex Kiddo, including a free packing list printable!  

Declining Home Nursing

I’ve wanted to write this post- about why we declined home nursing- for a long, long time.  But it is a complex, hot-button topic in the special needs community, and honestly, even thinking about our brief 3-week experience with home nursing makes me exhausted. I am writing now because soon we may have a limited amount of home nursing again.  And I’m already exhausted by the problems that have arisen as a result, even before any nurse has stepped foot again in our home.  So, for parents of special needs children wrestling with the problems of having  home nursing versus the problems associated with not having it, here are the reasons that we declined it. In an upcoming post I’ll share why we are seeking some limited nursing after 2 years of enjoying not having it.  These reasons are personal, and they won’t represent everyone’s experience.  They are in no particular order below.  Some of these issues are more important than others, and not all of them are insurmountable in themselves; keep in mind we made our decision based on the entire risk/benefit picture as a whole.Declining Home Nursing

 

Invasion of our space

My husband and I are introverts. Being around people other than our little family- even nice, considerate people- sucks our energy away.  A great picture of introversion is here. I time and manage my social interactions very carefully so that I have time to recover. Having someone present in my home would drain me to the point of desperate need of recharging in isolation, and I don’t have the time or energy for this depletion and recharging cycle.

Affecting the dynamic with the kids

Most people would be surprised to find that Greg and I are very silly with each other and the kids. We make up songs all the time with ridiculous lyrics about what we’re doing or substitute the kids’ names in familiar songs. We wrestle and tickle and pretend to be dinosaurs.  We dance to rap music.  And one of my favorite parts of the day is in the morning when Miles wakes up in his crib, which is in the master bedroom attached to our bed; Rowan and June pile onto the bed next to his crib to say good morning, sing, pat him, and jump and roll and climb over across and under the crib and bed.  We spend a half hour just lounging and playing as I get Miles ready for the day. We don’t do these things if someone else is in the house; their presence changes the dynamic because they are not part of this silliness we share as a family.  It’s worlds colliding; it’s like someone staring at you while you eat.  I think it would steal the magic of the moment to pause and say to a nurse, “Wait in the living room while we do our good morning silliness tradition,” and, alternatively, we certainly won’t invite the nurse onto the bed for a pillow fight.

Affecting behavior with the kids

Every parent of a toddler knows that they behave very differently with an audience.  Having someone present in the house affects all of the children’s behavior as they dutifully test whether the typical rules still apply, and whether they can get a reaction out of the guest or a novel reaction from the parent.

Logistical problems

When we had nursing overnight, we had to put our two large dogs in the bedroom with us so that they wouldn’t bark or bother the nurse, and if they did bark, it wouldn’t wake any of the kids.  Having 150 pounds of snoring dog in our bedroom to trip over in the dark did NOT provide me with the restful sleep that night nursing was supposed to offer. Other logistical problems- where to park, where to take breaks, where to store “lunch” and how to prepare it quietly at night, the necessity of a landline to “clock in/out,” and storage of the nursing company supplies in June’s crowded room.  Also, the necessity of being at home when the nursing shift starts and ends is a huge logistical problem as well as a killjoy; since it takes 2 hours in traffic to get to our appointments at the children’s hospital, that means we would  need a four hour buffer around both the shift start and end times during which we couldn’t schedule appointments.  We also couldn’t swing by the ‘dinosaur museum’ down the street after an appointment or stop for ice cream/zoo/impromptu play date when the traffic stacks up on the way home, because we would need to shuttle the nurse back to her car at our house in time for her end-of-shift.  (I hear that taking nurses hostage is frowned upon, even if they are provided ice cream.)

Privacy and security issues

I am a very private person, and home nursing posed various challenges in this area.  First, neither Greg or I were comfortable walking around in underwear with someone in the house.  So I had to dodge sleeping-dog land mines and put on pants every time I wanted a drink or snack in the middle of the night.  I didn’t want to pump milk or breastfeed uncovered aside from around my little family, which amounts to a huge inconvenience when I was doing one or the other 7 times a day.  (I fully support the right to choose to do so uncovered, but I personally feel most comfortable covered.)  Since we were primarily using night nursing, which meant we were leaving our sleeping children unattended with a stranger, Greg and I installed cameras in June’s room, and neither the nursing company or a few of the nurses were comfortable with that (too bad!! and more on that in the nursing competency section).  I am very protective of my kids’ personal health information, and you would think that with all of the HIPAA trainings that professionals have, that nurses would not take pictures of my their patient with their personal cell phone, but no.  And lastly, having a stranger in our home unattended, Greg and I were conscious of protecting our financial information, money, checks, etc, which was challenging and a hassle to accomplish in our open-concept house.

Scheduling and accountability issues (Basically lots of problems and no follow through….feel free to skip to the next section for something more entertaining)

When we chose our first nursing company, I knew that the ongoing revenue available through home health often prompted fly-by-night, unscrupulous, or unreliable companies to pop up.  So I went through the list of local companies the hospital social worker provided, and I eliminated any companies that did not have a website and/or a working phone number.  THIS ELIMINATED HALF THE LIST.  Of the other half, only one company followed through with my inquiry for information, and they seemed good; they were national, had an impressive intro folder, met with me at the NICU bedside and gave June a promotional teddy bear.  I signed up with them, and then their customer service went to hell.  The person who signed me up passed my case- but none of my input or preferences- on to another person, so my initial nursing schedule was set up completely wrong; I had to send nurses home who had traveled from across town, and they subsequently declined to come back.  Nurse managers and administrators would show up 2 hours late for meetings with me.  The nursing company would NOT correct my schedule despite the fact that I called to correct it every day.  I had no nurses on the few nights I did want one (to get some extra sleep), nurses appeared when I didn’t want them, the company wouldn’t change my schedule to accommodate doctor’s appointments, and nurses sometimes called to cancel an hour before their shift start when they realized I lived on a far edge of town.  Also, this nursing company NOT ONLY doesn’t do face-to-face interviews with the nurses they hire (they just need to pass a few tests at a central testing depot) but they ALSO don’t drug test their employees at any point.  They said in regard to this, “We prefer to weed out problem employees in the real job setting because problems aren’t really evident in an interview anyway.  But if at any time you have any behavior concerns or suspicions of intoxication, you can call us right away and we address it.”  This is not a reassuring set-up for those of us who need *night* nursing when we won’t be observing the nurse.  AND, unbelievably, the company was surprised and uncomfortable when we told them we would be using cameras in the home in light of their screening practices.

Now….you’d think it was just this nursing company or office, right?  In the special needs forums, I see stories just like this for tons of different nursing companies in different areas.  And recently when we initiated the process to start nursing again, I obviously chose a different company.  Two actually.  Number One- which is highly recommended by local moms and nurses- took my information then failed to call me back. After a month I called and had a face-to-face meeting with an “advocate” in their company.  I provided him the documentation he asked for.  For a month, he failed to called me back.  I left another message.  Nothing.  I called another person, told them I was working with the “advocate,” and told the new person my story again.  Both the new person and the advocate failed to call me back.  Finally, I called a different nursing company, who took my message…and failed to call me back.  I called them back and spoke direclty to the “new patient” coordinator.  He failed to call me back.  Then, when we were at the part of the insurance process when we had to choose a company, I reluctantly chose ‘Number One’ since neither had called me back and this one was at least highly recommended.  SO. Insurance faxed paperwork.  No one called me.  I called and spoke to their “new patient” guy, and also told him I was supposed to be working with “the advocate.”  Neither that new patient guy or the advocate called me back.  I called back and found that new patient guy I spoke with had transferred somewhere else two days after we spoke.  I gave the new-“new patient guy” A TALKING TO.  Told him the. whole. story. again.  I told him I wouldn’t do business with his company except for the fact that the other nursing companies had done the same thing to me so I’m circling back through the list.  He said he’s very sorry, and I provided the paperwork he requested. AND THEN. He. didn’t.  call. me. back.

At this point in telling the story I typically get questions of “How can this be???” “Have you just gotten really bad companies??” “Are you being really mean to them on the phone??”  No, I’m not mean to them until they’ve screwed up at least 10 times.  And as I said, problems abound across companies it appears from global forum feedback, though some parents I know have had good experiences. Why are bad experiences so rampant though?  Maybe high turn over.  Maybe poor training.  Maybe because people in need of home nursing are usually guaranteed customers- they need the care whether the companies provide good customer service or not. I don’t know.

Nursing competency

This is the most entertaining, but most highly variable reason listed.  Many nurses, including my best friends actually, are wonderful, amazing, professional people.  I’m sure there are some wonderful people who work in home health. We might have had one or two good ones, but they weren’t around long enough for me to be sure.  I’m hoping that if we stick with nursing this time, IF WE CAN EVER GET IT STARTED, then we will find a good nurse or two who are a fit for us.  But one of the main nurses that worked for us our first time around….

…..constantly mentioned, out of nowhere, that he is a doctor in Belize and insisted on wearing a white lab coat to his shift

….in addition to claiming to be a doctor, he told multiple grandiose stories about his nursing career, accomplishments, and how much money he has, but the stories conflicted with each other and didn’t make sense

….was visibly uncomfortable handling the bags of breastmilk I had pumped and stored, and frequently implied that I bought breastmilk from Craigslist that might have HIV in it

….told me stories about the mother of his other patient, who he referred to as a “hoochie mama.”

….regularly remarked on how nice our home is as compared to homes where he usually worked, which he characterized as “beneath him,” and subsequently asked how many bedrooms we have and about the layout of the parts of the house he didn’t need to access

….he stated that he quit working for one family because they installed cameras, which insulted his professionalism.  I promptly explained that we were in the process of installing cameras.  He wanted to know if they only monitor live or if they record.

…after cameras were installed, at the end of his shift he said that June’s feeding tube had come unhooked and soaked the bed during one feed (this is a common accident called “feeding the bed”, though it’s a mystery as to why he didn’t notice it for the entire 1 hour duration of the feed if he was next to her bed awake), and he bluntly explained that he tried to hide this fact by putting the soiled sheet at the bottom of the laundry. “But,” he said, “I wanted to go ahead and tell you since you’ll see it anyway,” he said, indicating the cameras.

…he stated that the reason he works pediatric night shifts is that he “doesn’t like to work hard.” Or he also said he got wounded in the war.  And that this is the only way he gets to hold babies.  And that he was frustrated that no school in the US would admit him to an MD program and that he had to go to Belize for medical school…but as usual that detail was not relevant to the topic.

And keep in mind, all of this occurred over a three week period of employment during which he worked two nights a week.  So.  It was an eventful three weeks of home nursing. The topic of medical competency and professionalism is huge, and I have plenty more stories, both good and bad, of our inpatient and outpatient experiences from the last 2.5 years, and plenty  more to stay on the topic; this’ll do for our experience with *home* nursing specifically though.

Insurance insanity

I’ll go into more detail in the next post, but the final reason for us declining home nursing is that our private insurance company wouldn’t allow me to cut my weekly nursing hours down so that the limited shifts that my plan offers would stretch until the end of the year.  I either had to use all of my hours up with extensive weekly nursing coverage such that I would run out of shifts in the first 3 months of the year and then be without any possibility of nursing for the rest of the year, or I could forego nursing shifts altogether.  Is it at all surprising that I chose the latter?

 

So, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I SEEK TO GET HOME NURSING AGAIN?? you may ask.  I’ll tell you in an upcoming post soon.

Decluttering: Digital clutter

It is a new year, and the decluttering continues with renewed force.  The area that has been most difficult but most rewarding to clear out is the digital clutter category including emails, data storage, and social media.  I’ve been meaning to make some of these changes for years, but I was always stopped by a familiar snag in the downsizing process- the “things” I wanted to be rid of were not all bad.  Regardless of how often I trip over the largely unused items (literally or metaphorically), I wonder, “What if I need/want/miss it later?” Oddly this applies whether you’re parting with a sweater or an email.

DeclutteringDigital

I received a few nudges down the digital decluttering diving board, and the correspond to the three main tasks I have completed in this area.

1. Clean up email providers

The nudge was that Yahoo’s webmail performance became unacceptable. I’ve used many email service providers over the years, and I’ve used Yahoo as my primary for over a decade.  But in the last few years, their webmail has been down multiple times per day more often than not, and the interface they keep changing never functions correctly, though you never know which glitch will be active at a given time.  And Yahoo has had a surge of security breaches.

The steps I took were to switch to a new provider for my primary email, download my Yahoo emails off of the server completely and delete my contacts and history in the account.  This way I can keep the account open to catch straggler-emails that are sent there instead of my new email, but my account history and data aren’t quite so vulnerable.  I revisited all of my email accounts (old internet service providers, employers, schools, and secondary accounts) to deactivate unnecessary ones and to update forwarding and security on addresses I maintain.  This coincided with migrating my blog from blogger to wordpress.  It was like an Extreme Makeover for my digital environment.

 

2. Inbox Zero

Empty Inbox

The nudge was downloading TWENTY TWO THOUSAND emails from the server onto my computer.  Sadly, I’m not exaggerating, and that was only my inbox from the last 6 years.  It doesn’t count email I filed into folders or my sent messages.  I decided I would only keep what I *reasonably* expected that I might refer back to sometime, which was perhaps 1 out of 100 emails.  If you’re thinking, “I could never get rid of emails from her, and him, and them, even if I haven’t talked to them in 10 years!  Emails are memories!” I totally understand.  See above- that’s how 22,000 emails happened. But something simply changed in my thinking one day- perhaps I reached a critical clutter level in one or more areas- and I wasn’t so sentimentally attached to these emails that I admittedly never re-read anyway.  I was/am still attached to the people who wrote them, but I realized I can sit down with them for coffee or revisit fond memories of them in much more meaningful ways than digging through old emails. In other words, once the sentimental charm had faded, I realized most of these emails did not pass the “Will I ever need or use this again?” test.

The steps I took were first to sort the email by sender and delete whole batches this way.  Then I created a few meaningful folders to organize the few “keepers-” such as emails from Greg and emails referring to ongoing business.  Then I turned my attention to my new email address and decided to maintain the inbox at zero as well by deleting any email that I won’t reasonably need and filing the few remaining ones into folders.  Any emails that require follow up linger conspicuously until I act on them, which turns the inbox into an efficient task list system.

 

3. Unsubscribe, unsubscribe, unsubscribe

The nudge was deleting thousands of ads and newsletters from my inboxes earlier in this process. And I don’t mean spam.  I mean the emails I got with varying frequency from every company that I had ever been required to provide my email address to as part of a transaction.  I actually decline to give my email to cashiers and on forms when it’s not necessary, but it’s increasingly unavoidable because of online purchases, product registration, and loyalty cards/coupons.

The steps I took were to unsubscribe to the recurring emails before deleting them.  Simple, but it’s tempting to skip the extra effort because it usually requires opening an unsubscribe website or even logging into your never-used “online profile” with the company.  (I miss the days that reply: UNSUBSCRIBE usually worked.)  Once I committed to this though, I was shocked by exactly how much I was being advertised to via inbox bombardment.  I’ve unsubscribed from over 60 emails!  They fall into specific categories:

Products like software, tires, toys and diaper companies

Social networks like Linked In, Goodreads, Facebook, and Twitter.  Linked In actually emailed so frequently and began to use my activity to advertise to my professional contacts without offering an “opt-out” or even an notification of what they were doing that I deleted my account entirely.  And I finally left the black hole of time and attention that is Facebook.  I’d love to write more on this complicated process and decision, but for now I’ll reference this rather blunt post I stumbled upon summarizing some problems with Facebook.  However, I don’t intend to echo his universal statement that “Facebook is bad for you,” to judge, or even to urge others to jump ship.  I just know that I’m really enjoying finally being off of it after years of contemplating leaving. What I intended to be a week-long trial absence after Thanksgiving turned into a month because I was so reluctant to reactivate my account temporarily to send my official farewell post.

Professional websites related to my counseling or higher education such as continuing ed opportunities and textbook advertisements

Service providers like fitness clubs, dry cleaners and insurance companies

Charities that I’ve interacted with as a donor, counselor/advocate or event participant

Universities I disocvered that my two alma maters were sending me four separate recurring emails each including news for alumni, school sports, specific college alum and specific majors

Financial institutions like banks, credit holders, and retirement accounts

Retail chains like grocery stores, pharmacies, and toy stores

Unsubcribing is well worth the effort.  In nearly all instances, the information from the email is available somewhere online if you ever do need to seek it out- even coupon codes.

 

For more thoughts on decluttering digital space, see this inspiring post from Sorting Buttons.

Watch for the next decluttering series topic, photos and crafts, coming “soon” (aka a non-specific time frame mean to avoid jinxing my writing)

Decluttering Series Intro

Decluttering Series Intro

We are in a decluttering frenzy here at the safari house. We aren’t aspiring to minimalism, or any specific movement.  We just realized that in some areas, our habits and our “stuff” had begun to detract from what is important to us. (More on values clarification below!)  The clutter falls into several broad categories, so between now and Christmas, I plan to highlight decluttering tips for one or two categories per week, including:

Declutter Topic List

 

A helpful first step is to simply identify what IS important to you.  Several years ago, Greg and I composed ranked lists of what we value, both individually and as a family. These lists are concrete reminders of what guides our decision making.  We used values clarification exercises from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a favorite approach of mine as a counselor.  Examples of some self-guided exercises can be found here on Working With ACT.

30’s: The Real Story


At six months into my 30’s, I feel that I can provide a bit of information about what it is like on the other side of three decades.  At least I can dispel a few myths about this era. I had always thought of 30 as a base camp before the final leg of the big journey “over the hill.”  I imagined that crossing the threshold which left my 20’s behind would be a momentous event in my aging, and many things would instantly be different.

1. I’d take myself more seriously.  I’d finally feel like an adult instead of a long-term extension of my 16 year-old self.

2. Others would take me more seriously and assume I have a reasonable level of competence in most areas of life.

3. My wardrobe would contain much more linen, like I was always just walking off the set of Mad About You.

4. My life would be a long-standing and comfortable routine, where the biggest adventure any given week would be buying new bath towels.  Again, I think Mad About You served as my mental 30’s template.

5. In this comfortable routine, existential questions of purpose would have been resolved along the way, or simply evaporated with time.

Well.  Let me tell you.

1. It’s partly true that I take myself more seriously, because I no longer feel that my teenage years were “not that long ago.”  How could I when I recently realized that I started high school 15 years ago?  But it still startles me when medical professionals ask my age (because those are the only people who dare to ask nowadays) and I must respond, “30,” suddenly feeling very like Neo waking up outside the Matrix for the first time wondering how in the world did I get here.  And incidentally, I’m treated like a geriatric patient now.  When I inquire about an ache or pain, the doctor makes a pinched, patronizing face and begins, “As we age….”  This is especially true regarding my pregnancy, where the phrase “advanced maternal age,” has actually been thrown around a few times in my presence. (?!?)

2. It’s also partly true that others take me more seriously in that, on the rare occasions that I attempt to buy alcohol, I am never carded.  But in terms of quickly being judged as competent in any situation, especially now that I’m a stay-at-home mom, no.  The only place that people ever assume I am in my element is at the grocery store, where dazed-looking men ask me which of the 12 varieties of apples they should buy for their fishing trip snack stash.

3. About 50% of my clothes are 8 or more years old, and will never again be appropriate to wear, post child-bearing.  I tell myself that I keep these items for upcycling sewing projects. 0% of my wardrobe is linen.

4. There is no long-standing or comfortable routine when rising small children.  Maybe I’ll revisit the Mad About You template for empty-nesting.

5. For those of us with existential questions, the 30-year mark holds no special power to help answer or shed them.

However, what has completely surprised me about this time is realizing that I have well over a decade of my very own decision making behind me.  Past the age of 17, my choices and my time were never governed by any person or institution.  What at first may seem obvious and mundane to others- that I employed my own judgement and continually built upon the consequences of those choices over the last decade- was a surprising source of joy for me recently.  Because I can remember some utterly discouraging times and difficult choices- the kind where even the right choice feels terrible.  At the time the situations seemed unfair, confusing, and senseless.  But looking back well after those storms passed, I know that not only did I make it through, but the choices I made in the midst of the difficulty were right.  And I can start to see how pieces of the story- even the jagged ones- fit together, and it all makes a little more sense.

It is this act of looking behind me that hints at an answer to my questions of purpose.  It encourages me to trust my judgment, regardless of the esteem in which others hold me at any given point. It reminds me to be purposeful in what I am building with my choices. Because in another 10 years, I’ll look back at what I am cobbling together with my time and resources right now.

Here’s to the next 30 years.