Posted by Yes This I Know
The title was contributed by the TinyTyper himself, pint-sized hacker extraordinaire. I excitedly drove to HEB the other day, having found one closer to my house than I anticipated. I had swapped “Rowan’s” iPhone, a buggy barely operational 3 series whose battery was dead, for my own iPhone in his kid-friendly protector case. The case blocks the kid’s access to the home button so that, in theory, they can’t get out of the app it is set on when it’s fastened into the case. Since I don’t have kid apps on my own phone, I opened the calculator app- a favorite of Rowan’s. During the short drive to HEB, a Spanish telenovela began broadcasting from Rowan’s car seat.
“What did you do, luv??” I inquired over the dramatic foreign language. How in the world did he get to YouTube without the home button, I wondered? I would soon find once again that Rowan knows infinitely more about my phone than I do, and doesn’t need a “home” button- kind of like the computer savants I have seen who can toggle and shortcut throughout any process they want to do on a computer without ever using a mouse.
I decided to let him keep watching…it was quite an entertaining situation after all. I scored an awesomely designed race car basket (kids can face forward and also stand up without towering precariously over the cart) and entered the store. I assume that he happened upon a list of featured videos, because I soon found my son watching Napoleon Dynamite dancing at his talent show. This obviously wasn’t something I had queued on my phone. I let him play, still thinking he couldn’t figure out how to app-jump a second time.
In the bread isle I discovered Rowan was writing a thoughtful comment on the Napoleon video. “This serves as proof that the idolization of quirky did not originate with Zoory Daschenel. She is but a follower, and perhaps the person who will drive this trend to its inevitable end,” is what he wrote. Except the letters weren’t in that order and lacked most spaces and vowels.
I continued in my delusion that Rowan couldn’t do anything really inconvenient. I saw that somehow he made it onto the Internet, where I had been pricing laminate flooring. Unbeknownst to me, he placed a call to Lumber Liquidators 800 number while I was looking for dairy products. He went into my reminders and began modifying them. He scoped out my calendar. And finally I caught him in the middle of a phone call to his grandma.
What an adventure! It continued when I attempted to switch my phone for his in the check-out line, when he screamed like he was being murdered. So I imagine that strangers were not only rolling their eyes at my decision to provide my kid with an iPhone as a “toy,” but also at the defiant wailing with which my baby seemed very comfortable responding to my parental authority. I kind of wanted to hold up my hands and say, “This actually isn’t normal behavior….” but since I had an iPhone in each hand, I don’t think that would have delivered the defense it was intended to. I actually rarely let Rowan have “screen time” (electronic games, TV, phones, and computers), which is probably why he was overreacting to my taking it away.
Overall I thought the whole adventure incredibly funny! I am still so curious to know how he switches between apps…